I came, I saw and then I tweeted.

Twitter: this is a bad one, you guys. This is like, cardinal sin bad. This is having-unprotected-sex-on-the-graves-of-your-dead-relatives bad.

Forgive me, father, for I have... tweeted.

You could well argue the decay of society into a mess of passing fads (like ridiculous dances and flash-in-the-pan singers). I would say, though, that social media is responsible for a large chunk of this supposed decay.

Not to say I don't enjoy it; not to say I don't find it particularly useful in some moments. Facebook, MySpace, Bebo (whatever that is), blogs. Yeah, yeah.

But my focus here is the weirdest of all social media networks, being Twitter.

I, for a very long time, thought that was some strange sexual euphemism I wanted no part of ("darling! I can't twitter tonight! I have cramps!")

As the world witnessed after the Iranian elections this summer, Twitter can be quite the tool for uniting people. It's almost like some kind of modern day news miracle, a medium that anyone, not just a journalist, can utilize to alert people to unfair conditions or horrible happenings.

It's a lightning rod of the people, if used properly.

Or, if you're like Perez Hilton, it can be simply a way to get your ass kicked by a member of a Black Eyed Pea. ("Somebody call the popo! Somebody call the popo!")

Even the president's recent comments about the antics of Kanye West at the VMAs broke on Twitter and was quickly swallowed up by major new sources and then the people at large.

But for the rest of us, those of us that don't live in lives riddled with senseless celebrity or unimaginable horrors, what is the exact purpose of Twitter? To follow a Taco Bell van as it traverses the wilds of Canada and delivers free Chalupas on the way?

"I refuse to partake in Twitter," my (anonymous) friend told me once. "It just seems like an evil enterprise."

Yes, an evil enterprise born out of humble and well-meaning origins, in San Francisco, of all happy places.

I, as alluded to earlier, am the shameful, shameful owner of a Twitter account. And I need not tell you what I update about, as if worthwhile and interesting occurrences actually were a mainstay of my life.

"LOL! Woke up and pooped! It's going to be a good day!" I feverishly type out for all my friends, online and otherwise. "Didn't wear a bra today. Don't think anybody noticed. @PaulaAbdul, how do you feel about being abdicated by Ellen?!"

See. That's the very definition of being useful to society.

"You as sexy as mold!" read one Tweet I came across in my "feed" page. Another cried out, in the vein voice of somebody desperate from their Blackberry keypad, "Somebody took my Cocoa Krispies! WHAT the HELL!"

On the other hand, I have updates from CNN, BBC, the New York Times, which are all very helpful. It seems that Twitter, which works like seconds-fast newsboys of yesteryear in cyberspace, wailing at invisible streetcorners, was meant the most for headlines as they come right off the presses and breaking news bits of information- plane crashes, resignations, deaths.

It's balancing that seriousness out with all the frivolity, though, that Twitter needs to work on. I mean, what compels us to reveal the most senseless information of our lives out on something as blatantly public as the Internet? Is it a reverse voyeurism? Is it that we want the world to stare through our windows and gawk?

Would they see anything they want?

"Finished my Spectator column everybody! Time to hit the showers! TTYLAS LOL MY BFF JILL!"

Yes, indeed, that is the sign of an advanced civilization.

SEPTEMBER 23, 2009

this was posted at a humor website as well.